don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
