Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she told me i tasted like america
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
