guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
