connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
