it wasn't lemon gatorade
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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