when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
