Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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