her vagina looked like bernie madoff
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
