2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
