I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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