watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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