WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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