Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize