the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
