He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
