life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My penis needs a shock collar
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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