I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
