Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
