Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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