I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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