9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
