So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
