matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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