i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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