sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
