God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
