hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
