my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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