And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
