You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
