i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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