I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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