I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Never joke about your clitoris.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
