At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
