haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
