So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The uberlube is also flammable
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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