remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
