Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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