did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
