I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
