It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
