I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
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She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
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Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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