Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.