the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart