My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
