i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success