Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
