Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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