Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
