I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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