If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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