I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I can't turn off my feet"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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