I'm going to rape someone's good day.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
