the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
