I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.