The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself