I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
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There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.