Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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