I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
